December 14, 2017

At the height of my denial, I assumed a  troll came into my house in the wee hours of the night, had a look around, took a few bites of apple and then left because when I think inconsiderate, wasteful and loud, my first thought is troll. Naturally.

Merry holidays, my dudes!

Tis the season to not be a hater, so I thought I'd share some of my fondest Christmas wishes before I swanned off to my much-anticipated staycation. Right now the words Netflix and my couch sound almost pornographic. Netflix me like...

November 16, 2017

Oh, ya'll thought I meant me?

I am a lot of things, my dudes--A potential Person of Walmart, a person with an easily confused bladder, a person who dates cautiously--but to be so aggressive and combative as to start some shit with a skunk? There's not enough nope in the world to cover that one.

No, that honor belongs to this muthafucka right here:

It's hard to tell, but there's real remorse in those eyes.

A skunk, for those blessed to live in a society free from such creatures, is this piece of shit:

Deceptivel...

July 13, 2017

Confession #1

I pee in the toilet more often then not, but occasionally--very occasionally--I just can't help myself and the vast, turquoise waters of the pool at my gym beckon. I do attempt a mad dash out of the pool for the bathroom, but when it's clear I won't make it, I'm grateful for my gym's chlorine practices, which are, apparently, to keep adding chlorine until levels are just shy of the chemical burn stage

Confession #2

I unobtrusively exfoliate my feet in the Jacuzzi. The one at my gym, not the non...

May 24, 2017

I'm not the kind of person who likes to post the gory details of their latest breakup on Facebook or tweets things like, "had awkward threesome with BF + BFF yesterday. Have been dumped and ghosted today #messyAF #sadAF."

Outwardly, I'm kind of a prude, so I lift my leg on that kind of virtual assault on good manners and common decency.

However, once the shades are discreetly drawn, I pour myself a glass of wine and devour every line of socially shared insanity AND all the comments. It's rubbernecking, plain...

February 14, 2017

1. Wine.

It's delicious, damn it, and can be paired with ANYTHING. A nice Cabernet goes beautifully with Special K with Red Berries and I've got a sauv blanc in my fridge right now with subtle grassy notes that really brings out the fried in French fries.

2. My electric blanket.

It has no fear of my feet, which we all know are not in the best shape.

3. Taboo on FX

I understand some people have a thing for Tom Hardy, but I always confused him with the Tom Hardy who wrote Jude the Obscure. So friends would be all...

October 22, 2016

First, some context.

A couple of years ago, I was encouraged to Google "People of Walmart." As you might imagine, I was immediately enthralled by the pictures of nearly naked, poorly shaven folk meandering up and down the aisles of the superstore.

Let me pause here to assure you that I don't believe such people exist. Surely it is impossible for one's toe nails to grow that long or curl so artistically (and I thought the gold nail polish an unnecessary embellishment). However, I am not as well traveled as I...

June 24, 2016

The first time I squeezed a schmear of toothpaste onto my toothbrush and it fell off into the sink was the day I understood that I was cursed. I don't know who cursed me or why, but they're an asshole. Anyone who curses a seven year old kid can only be an asshole.

The curse: First, be late as hell. Then squeeze a schmear of toothpaste on the toothbrush. If it flops off into the sink, the rest of your day is screwed, and so it's been since the first time that shit happened.

Let me be clear for those of you wh...

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