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  • Writer's pictureJoss Dey

Something is coming into my house at night and eating my apples.

At the height of my denial, I assumed a troll came into my house in the wee hours of the night, had a look around, took a few bites of apple and then left because when I think inconsiderate, wasteful and loud, my first thought is troll. Naturally.

Merry holidays, my dudes!

Tis the season to not be a hater, so I thought I'd share some of my fondest Christmas wishes before I swanned off to my much-anticipated staycation. Right now the words Netflix and my couch sound almost pornographic. Netflix me like your life depends on it, baby. Netflix me hard!

I wish my apparent attractiveness for groundhogs, mice, skunks, rats (yes rats; the friggin' exterminator just left. Again) and all other vermin was a legit super power. I would use it for good and help the helpless and avenge the wronged. I'mma be real with you, I'd also use it for evil. Like, I'd totally send my rodent minions to my bank so they could threaten my banker with infestation should he refuse to lower my mortgage rate.

I wish plumbing was a federal deduction. Right there on your paycheck you could see the deductions for taxes, social security and plumbing repair. Better yet, I wish plumbers worked for free, like priests. Forgive me father for I have a backed up drain and a shower with no water pressure. (It's like I'm being pissed on every morning.)

I wish reading made you smarter AND thinner AND more muscular. Read the tax code for serious muscle definition and a romance for your daily Pilates workout.

I wish cheeseburgers were a good source of vitamin D and also helped to promote sleep. Doctors could prescribe it, "Two cheeseburgers twice a week for a month should help you sleep better. Then we'll repeat the blood work to see where we stand."

I wish cheap toilet paper wasn't so scratchy.

I wish house keeping fairies were a thing. I also wish they competed with cooking trolls to see who could one-up each other.

I wish dogs lived as long as their humans. (My dog's fine. She snores, drools and chases squirrels in her sleep. I wouldn't mind hearing that for the rest of my life, that's all.)

This holiday season, may you receive all the things I already have: true friends, weird family, movies that make me cry and fried chicken.

As ever,


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